para ti, mi amor

 

1 pre-

-

the comfort of your company

the eye contacts we had locked

the stories we narrate for each other

the times we negotiate to be present for each other

whether they be the bright sunny days

or the gloomy, drizzly nights

everything we have done that shapes the new future of us

from the impacts we cause

the memories we shared from the two opposite sites of the world

as if we follow each other's every step and breath

 

yet i keep missing

 

the time i have wasted

not realizing my fronts

and walking away from them

the same mistake over and over

              the way that it becomes unrecognizably repetitive

i keep missing

YOU in front of me

i walked away not carrying the gem

that is you

i wonder how i missed

i wonder if...

 

one day

you appear in my dreams like the clouds and rain

two distinct yet inseparable units of beings

when the dreams shalln't see their ends

where do we begin from here?

 

youve caught me

your eyes, your lips, your hair,

           YOU

i tremble thinking about the smiles you carved

the laughs that almost choke your breath

the imaginations you have curated

and i think i tremble thinking about...

 

the cloud in my daydream

 

i will wrap my arms around you

i will never be tired to walk home with you

i want to bring you to my journey

our journey

to this world

i will come closer so no one drifts you farther to the joy you ambition

will you come with me?

 

2 loneliness

-

i start to feel distanced from the reality. the breeze of the wind feels empty when it touches my skin. the time ticks, yet nothing around me changes. waking up in the morning seems more like a chore rather than a motivation to live with purpose. i dont know why i live anymore. do i have to be somewhere or do something when i turn 25?

 

i have nowhere to return to. the livelihood is endless— but is it though? the endlessness causes cluelessness for where i direct myself to. now im at my dead end while knowing the endlessness of life.

 

i feel hopeless: of everything that i have worked on. i feel like living them behind and getting ready for who knows whats next. as a saying goes: "the past is in the past.", but can i actually leave the past to restart? i dont feel quite ready for a new chapter but it sounds like i should be ready.

 

when the exhaustion finally drains you into an infinite loop of loneliness and hopelessness, i could not escape. im scared. im mad. im tired. im mostly dissatisfied. i want to do it again— getting exhausted of trying my best and acknowledging the energy i put into it.

would i be accompanied?

 

3 scarcity

-

do i wait for the uncertain guarantee of happiness that i continuously manifest,

or do i give up?

everyday, the thought lingers like the bees at the flower orchard

the buzzes that they make force me to think

even when i want to escape

from this cycle of confusion

everyday, i picture you in my daydreams

walking with me around the greenery that we both seem to love

or pacing to find a place to get food

you always linger, here with me

 

even when i want to escape

from this cycle of confusion

it hurts so much

not knowing about anything that could make us possible

the loud silence is torturing

how should i show you how hurt i feel?

 

something feels wrong

i truly feel like im losing you forever

what if you do not want to return to us, the memories that we have curated together?

what if we are not meant to be a unit?

what if i am too much to handle,

to a point where we conflict and lose the desire upon each other?

what if im holding you back and you cant get far because of me?

 

what if— we forget about each other one day?

 

maybe, we cross pathways again

but i dont want to depart just yet

we just began

we just got started and im feared–

the i-miss-you's echo

i will keep waiting for you then

because im not ready to let go

of us

 

4 silence

-

how have you been

it's been a while

remember when we used to knock each other's office door to say hi

and waste yet another hour talking about anything

when your white sweater was all i can focus on

because the eye contact scared me

remember the giggles we used to have when having a food coma after eating too much

remember the walk home we took while talking about how much we hated our work offices

 

now it's silent

i hear no news from you

we disappear from each other

do you think we are coming back soon,

or is this a goodbye, the way your silence implies

when

    when

   when i cant suppress the urges to be vulnerable with you

like pieces of shattered glasses that you broke within the echoes of silence

i cant afford it happening again

but

do i choose to depart, or

was it you?

goodbye my favorite love ethan

g  o   o  d b     y       e, love.

 

chapter n closes.

 

            5-new chapter

 

the shattered glasses that i see

yet i choose to step on them

 

the shadow that runs away as lights dim

yet i choose to chase after it

 

the sun that burns me

yet i choose to stand still under it

 

it's you, who i dont deserve

yet i choose to dare

             to want to be yours

             to desire you

the fantasy of you:

wrapping me in your arms

walking me through the night dreams

slowly undressing

being all vulnerable for me

 

sadly, it's all a fantasy

like the stars that i can never reach

all i can do is to adore

               and witness

                as you flourish

while im here still thinking

about ways that i can live without you

 

oh amor

es para ti

can you see

how the slow burn hurts me deeply

be you, but deep down

would you be there for me?

fin.

 

6 never ending

 

you leave me, literally

when i would want to need you the most

when things bloom nicely

just like the colorful tulips in the spring

 

but unlike the tulips

that carve such joyful memories even after they are gone in the fall

you scar me

you make me feel like i wasnt important

well yes who am i for you

 

you keep me in loops

it seems

i dont wanna let you go yet

but you keep me here just in case

i now see

that i was never your option

i am your spare

the gateway you find convenient when no one hears your deepest secrets

the stepping stone that you just so need at times

but what happens

at times when you dont need me?

 

i am left, hanging

choked

drowning

doubting

whether we were ever something

 

my friend is right about you

i shouldve walked out a long time ago

but my high hope wouldnt let me so

and now

look where i am today

hanging

      choked

                    drowning

     d   o u    bt  i         n   g.